Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
