is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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