I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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