i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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