Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
