The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
