Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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