Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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