im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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