I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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