I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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