Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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