how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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