The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
