Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
