New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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