so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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