You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
