so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I have demons in me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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