My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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