My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
