Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
