I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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