Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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