I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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