I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
