When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
