Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
