Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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