no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
