My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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