her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
