I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
