She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
