He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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