I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
