i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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