I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
