Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
