You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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