Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
