this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
