you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Two words: blizzard sex
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
