Too much gin, very little bucket
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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