I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
