Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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