He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
