Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
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