She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
