it wasn't lemon gatorade
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
