Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
